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magserChapter:8 /?
Characters/pairings: Jared/Jensen ; Jensen/Mike; Jared/Omc's; Chad, Chris ; others
Rating: NC.17 (to be safe)
Wordcount:2,851
Disclaimer: Nope still don't own them.... unfortunately...
Summary: Nine years ago Jared had left Dallas and now he was back and he had only one thing on his mind..... Revenge.
It had been a great evening and night, the guys had played a wonderful gig, and Jared had watched from the back of the bar as they had raised the roof, they had sung a few new songs, two of which were Jensens and Jared had to admit the man was damn good. They had ended up back at Jensens place, god only knew what had driven Jared to bring his car that night but he had, and they had retired late after yet another couple of hours of hilarity between Jared and Chris, with Jensen playing the straight man to the two goof balls.
The love they had made had been wild and hard and passionate and afterwards they had lain in the dark and whispered soft and low and Jared had never felt more at peace, and he had drifted into the first deep sleep he could remember having. He had woken an hour or so before dawn to an empty bed which had surprised him, cause Jensen he had discovered loved his sleep and slept through the worst noise. He had thrown on a pair of old sweats he left at Jensens place for when he stayed and wandered bare foot and bare chested down to the living room where he found Jensen sitting on the edge of the couch, guitar on his knee and an old tattered notebook on the small table in front of him, as he picked a few notes on the guitar, completely lost in what he was doing.
He padded softly up to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and a kiss to the tousled head earning a small grin before Jensen went back to the guitar. He had something on his mind, Jay could see it, so he clambered in behind Jensen so that he was straddling Jensens hips, legs spread wide with Jensen sitting in between. Wrapping his arms around his waist and placing his chin on Jensens shoulder he asked softly;
‘’What you doing Jen?’’
Jensen sighed, bent his head for a moment before raising it and turning his head to look at Jared.
‘’Have I ever told you when or how I started writing Jay?’’
‘’No, no you haven’t, I just assumed that it was something you always did’’
Jensen chuckled softly, ‘’No... Jay?’’
‘’Uh huh?’’
‘’Have you ever.... have you ever regretted something? I mean.... have you ever done something that you know was a massive mistake and regretted it so bad ever since?’’
Jared stiffened slightly, but Jensen was so lost in his own thoughts now that he didn’t notice it.
‘’Want to hear the first thing I ever put to paper?’’
Jared was slightly confused at the turn of conversation and he wasn’t sure where this was heading so he just mumbled a yes and Jensen lifted the guitar straighter and plucked a few strings;
‘’I never finished it.... cause, well because the story has no ending really... I hoped that some day... someday I would get the chance ya know?’’
Jared nodded against Jensens shoulder and waited and Jensen began to play a few short notes and as the words came out of his mouth a cold cold feeling began in the pit of his stomach;
‘’There’s so many things I didn’t say and even though it may be too late I want you to know.....’’ Here he lost the words and strummed the guitar as the music flowed and then as the chorus hit Jay closed his eyes and fought an overwhelming urge to run as fast as he could....
‘’........when I close my eyes, you’re all I see, In the dark of night, You’re in my dreams, throughout the day you’re easy to find, you’re always there, when I close my eyes...’’
Jensen laid the guitar down then and moved from Jareds arms and came to stand a bit away from him....’’Thats all I got... I never finished it...’’
Jareds voice was foreign and strange even to him but Jensen didn’t seem to notice; ‘’Why didn’t you finish it?’’
‘’Because I hurt someone, back when I was a stupid kid, I hurt someone I cared about very much....’’
Jared felt like he couldn’t breathe and he silently begged for Jensen to shut up... he didn’t want to do this, he didn’t want to hear... it was too soon, he wasn’t ready, please, please don’t....but Jensen was lost in a memory he never spoke of and never saw the pale set to Jareds face and the stricken look in his eyes as he listened to Jensen talk.
And Jensen talked, lost in his own world he told Jay of a time when he was in high school, in his senior year, how he was so scared when he discovered he was gay, he had always been painfully shy, and when Tom Welling had taken Jensen under his wing and acted like it didn’t matter what gender he fucked he fell in line with Tom, used Toms confidence and put up a front of his own. He figured that by being the school prankster and the class clown would take the focus off the fact that he had come out as gay. It worked too he told Jared, people forgot his sexuality and either loved him or loathed him for his constant foolish pranks and joking around.
He told Jay that it was this behaviour that led to him and Tom being forced to repeat senior year, and how he had just been desperate to finish school and had been so bored. Tom too it had seemed because one day he had pulled Jensen aside and pointed to a tall skinny kid, a kid that had hung in Chads group, he had told Jensen to watch this kid and so he had and it had become glaringly obvious the crush this kid had on Jensen. Jensen told a white faced Jared, head bowed that when Tom had suggested Jensen out the kid as a last day prank at the final school assembly he had refused. But Tom had been persuasive and Jensen had been stupid and scared and had agreed so he had begun a mission to get to know the kid who rarely spoke because of a stammer.
He told him how he walked him home from school every evening, separating him over time from Chad and his friends, and how in time the kid trusted him and when Jensen made his move the kid hadn’t fought him, had welcomed him with open arms. He said that the kid adored the ground he walked on and the night he had taken that kids virginity had been both the best and worst nights of his life. Because he realised that night as Tom had recorded their lovemaking that he couldn’t do it... he couldn’t go through with the plan, he couldn’t do this to this trusting kid. He had told Tom the following day that it was over, the plan couldn’t go ahead, he wanted out... but all Tom had done was laugh and told him to get over his conscience.
So two days later, a week earlier than Jensen had expected, Tom had gone behind his back and swapped tapes and the video had been shown to the entire school. He said the look of pure horror and shame on that kids face would live with him and had done for many many years. He said he was ashamed of what he had done, he was sorry and he had made matters worse by laughing in his face that day and turning away, choosing to save his own face rather than make things right. He said the kid had approached him a week later, asking for a reason, telling him he didn’t care, he forgave him that he loved him, and that again he had been a stupid scared fool and turned him away, and he had never seen that kid again.
He looked up then, and saw Jareds ashen face, and mistook it for anger and shock at what he had told him.... ‘’Know whats worse Jay? I still deny him to this day....’’
‘’How’’ was the choked response from the man seated opposite him.
‘’I never tell anyone that story, because I’m too ashamed of what I’ve done, but....I told Mike once... and I told him I didn’t remember the kids name.... but I do... I just chose not to... I buried it and I wrote those lines.... those first lines.....’’
‘’His name’’’
Jensen looked at Jay then... really looked and the look on his face was one he couldn’t describe, but it scared him.... ‘’What Jay?’’
‘’His name.... what was his name Jensen’’
Jensen was scared, something wasn’t right... Jay looked ill ....’’Jared...his name was Jared...and I’m sorry, sorrier than I could ever say, and I never got to tell him that you know? I never told him that day that I cared for him... instead I lied and said...’’
‘’I could never love you...put it down to experience kid, thats what you said isn’t it?’’
Jensens heart felt like it could be heard next door it pounded so sickeningly loud in his ears...
‘’How....how do you know that Jay?’’
Jared rose to his feet then, white faced and visibly shaking... he came at Jensen so fast he had no time to react. He grabbed Jensen with enough force to bruise the shoulders he grabbed as he threw him onto the couch and leaned over him a look of such intense hate on his face that Jensen closed his eyes.
‘’Look at me....I said LOOK AT ME!’’
‘’What do you see Jensen? Who do you see? Did I ever tell you my name Jen? Huh? Did I? Oh how remiss of me.....’’
He leaned closer still, bending forward so that his lips barely touched Jensens, he moved to Jensens ear then and nipped at it softly before whispering ‘’ My name is Jared.... Jared ... isn’t that a coincidence Jensen?’’
Jensen paled as he took in Jareds words...’’ No... no... Jay no....’’
‘’I could never love you, thats what you said.... put it down to experience kid... isn’t that what you told me Jensen? Have you any idea of the damage you did? How those words alone completely destroyed the confidence of a kid who had none to begin with? How they hurt so much that I couldn’t stay anymore? I ran Jensen...I left everything behind and it’s all because of you’’
Jared rose then, and walked the length of the room putting as much distance between him and the other man as he could, his hands ran through his messy hair giving it an even wilder look. Sorry, Jensen was sorry, no, it wasn’t s’posed to happen like this, he was s’posed to be in control, he couldn’t handle sorrow.
‘’Jay, please... I love you Jay... please...’’
‘’My name is Jared... I hate that name Jay, always have, call me by my name’’ the last words spoken on a low growl that threatened violence and Jensen swallowed nervously;
‘’Jared...please, can we talk? I ...I’m so fucking sorry... I don’t know why I....’’
He rose then and approached Jared slowely hands raised and stopped inches from the shaking man.
‘’Jared, I don’t know why you originally came to me... I don’t know how... but I love you...I am so sorry for what happened all those years ago, I was stupid and young and foolish and I’ve hated myself since...but I love you Jared, and I know you feel something for me too.... I just know it’’
Jared closed the distance between the two of them then, he pulled Jensen into his arms and closed his mouth over his kissing him with everything he had in him, grabbing his ass he ground his erection against Jensens and Jensen felt nothing but elation, it was alright... it was going to be alright.... Jared broke the kiss and placed both his hands on either side of Jensens head, he looked Jensen straight in the eye and spoke slowely and carefully;
‘’I need you to listen to me now Jensen, I don’t love you, I never have, I never will. I hate you more than I have ever hated another human being in my life.... You ruined my life... you took my innocence and danced on it... you took the heart I offered you that day and threw it back in my face.... You think I care about the damn video? Hell no! I cared about you... I loved you, I could have loved you with everything I had, but you threw that back in my face and I hate you Jensen Ackles’’
At those words with his hands still on Jensens head he threw him backwards so that Jensen landed on the floor with a loud thump.
‘’Jared....’’ he scrambled to his feet and back away ‘’Please Jared...I’m so fucking sorry I...’’
But Jared was no longer in the room, Jensen ran after him as Jared went to the bedroom and began pulling on the clothes he wore the night before. He pulled the t shirt over his head and made to leave, but Jensen stood at the door. ‘’Jared, can we talk? Please? You didn’t mean those things you said ....’’
Jared laughed then a cold hard sound that ripped through Jensens breaking heart;
‘’Don’t mean them? I mean them more than I could ever tell you! You make me sick! Now get the fuck out of my way....’’
‘’What the hell is going on here?’’
Chris stood in the hallway outside his bedroom door;
‘’I said what the fuck is going on? Can you guys keep your arguments to normal hours please?’’
He took in the look of devastation on Jensens face then and the cold look of utter hatred on Jareds and took a few steps forwards effectively putting himself between the two men.... ‘’Jen? Whats happened man?’’ He turned ‘’Jay?’’
Jared took in the two men, one he had come to like so much as a friend and the other.... his lip curled into a sneer as he took in Jensens tear filled eyes, his heart breaking in front of Jareds face and the peace he had sought never came, the satisfaction he thought he would have felt didn’t come.. Jensen was sorry, he could see it as plain as day on his face that he regretted what he had done all those years ago and it made him angrier, because he had been prepared for anything but the sorrow in his eyes.
‘’I hate you Jensen, make no mistake about that... I have hated you for years and thats not going to change now... it was all a lie... an act, I needed to get close to you, I wanted you to feel the same pain I felt, and now you do so I can go... I can get the fuck out of this godforsaken place and never give you a second thought... you weren’t even a challenge’’ he made to move at that and narrowly missed the fist that flew toward his face.
Catching Chris by the t shirt he wore he slammed him into the wall, feet off the floor,
‘’Don’t you touch me, don’t you ever touch me, many have tried and many have paid hefty hospital bills’’ Chris slid down the wall as Jared released him, and Jensen called him in a heartbroken whisper as he walked away’
‘’Jay....please....I love you...’’
Turning toward Jensen, Jared smiled a cold smile and the last words he spoke before leaving were;
‘’I could never love you... put it down to experience, Jensen’’
The sound of the door closing seconds later was the trigger and Jensen stumbled to the bathroom and threw up. He lay back face white and tears pouring down his face as he took in what had just happened....
‘’Jen? Jensen? Come on man...talk to me’’ A glass of water was pushed into his hand and guided towards his mouth Chris talking softly, encouraging him the whole time.
Twenty minutes later, Jensen sat on the couch a stiff drink in his hands tears still pouring down his face as he told Chris the whole story... and as Chris shook his head and swore at the foolish boy Jensen had been and the heartbroken man he was now, another man was pulled into a narrow street on the outskirts of the city.
No one took any notice as the man bent over the steering wheel clutching it like he couldn’t breathe, no one took any notice as the man stumbled from his car and fell to his knees in the dirt, no one pulled over to check was he ok as the man sobbed to his very core, long and loud, nine years of heartbreak and pain in every sob that tore from his throat. No one stopped as the man clutched the dirt in his hands and raised his face to the sky and screamed like he was dying....
Because you know what?
He was.
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Date: 2008-11-20 10:29 pm (UTC)