Stay Gone

Sep. 23rd, 2009 02:07 pm
magser: (Sad)
[personal profile] magser
Title: Stay Gone
Chapters: 1/1
Word count : 2,127
Pairing: Jared/jensen, Jared/omc
Rating: pg.13
Summary: Does Jared go back a love that not only totally consumed him but also destroyed him slowly or stay with the man who had shown him a different kind of love. Either way, someone's heart breaks.
Warnings: Pppfffttt well you know me guys....need I say it? Angst, Angst and a liitle touch of hope.
Authors note: Well I got this one from listening to Randy Travis's "I Told You So" and Jimmy Waynes "Stay Gone" . I am finishing up 'Cheyenne' and it will be posted very soon I promise, this just wouldnt leave me alone.



“Jared!”

No answer, save for a thump and a loud curse, followed by Jared’s tousled head appearing around the bedroom door a frown marring his beautiful face, and he couldn’t help the smile that broke out at the very thought of this big beautiful man who was finally his. Jared for his part frowned a little deeper when he saw the grin, but his eyes were shining with a light that had been missing for too long.

“I’m coming I swear, I just....” His head disappeared and a muttering was heard as he untangled himself from whatever it was his long legs had gotten tangled up in this time, another thump as Jared obviously threw the offending item across the room and he reappeared with a triumphant grin and spread his arms wide in victory.

“See I’m ready and almost on time too! Come on let’s go!” He tugged on his boyfriends arm and dragged him like a child toward the front door and the truck laden with weekend bags. This was their first weekend away in too long and both men were anxious to shake the city out of their bones and just be alone for three whole days. The dogs had been dispatched an hour earlier at the dog sitters while Jared had showered and gotten ready and nothing was stopping them now, all they had to do was lock up and they were free to do whatever the hell they wanted, and a quiet discreet cabin awaited them.

Jared turned toward the still smiling face of this man, the man he owed so much to and stopped for a moment, cupping his face in his large hands and with a quiet sincerity that shone from him, whispered softly “Thank you.” Before planting a soft reverent kiss to waiting lips that curled into a soft smile only for Jared,

“For what?”

Jared kissed him again, easy and soft and pulled back to stare into his beautiful eyes,

“For being here, for waiting, for understanding that I.....just....thank you...for being you, and I....”

A finger pressed gently to his mouth stopped the words that were beginning to tumble over one another as Jared struggled to say the words they both knew he wasn’t ready to say just yet.

“Shhhhh...Jared its ok...I know...and I don’t mind waiting, you’re worth it. I love you. I love you enough for both of us until you are ready and I promise, I’m not going anywhere. I’m staying right here.”

Jared’s whole body relaxed and his smile deepened as he kissed him again. He may not be ready now, but he knew, he knew that he was falling in love with this beautiful man and he knew when he said those words finally, he would mean them, and the fact that he was so patient, so loving just made the leap all that much easier.

“Ok then, let’s get out of here ok? I am so ready to blow this place for a few days!”

So close.

They had been so damn close to getting away unscathed.

So close to a weekend away, a weekend that was meant to be healing as well as relaxing, one that would help Jared finally close the door on a part of his life that had almost destroyed him and open the door to a new chapter, one that held a love he had waited for, a love that was strong and quiet and honest and enduring and everything that Jared hadn’t had when he had been in his life. So damn close and he wondered idly sometimes what would have happened if they had just ignored the ringing of the phone. If they had closed and locked the door and let it ring. But it was Jared’s nature to worry enough about his beloved dogs, worry that there was a problem already and with a gentle squeeze of his hand, he pulled away to pick up the phone.  

Jared glanced at the display as he picked up the phone and relaxed when it wasn’t the sitter’s number flashing up at him, so, with a grin over at his waiting boyfriend he pressed the answer button.

“Hey, talk fast; we’re leaving, so unless someone is dead or dying I’m not interested!”

“Jay?”

That’s all it took.

Just that one word.

 Spoken softly, unsure and a little broken, to bring Jared’s world crashing. He visibly paled and reached blindly for the chair nearby and sank onto the edge before his legs gave way. His hands shook pitifully and he grasped the phone tighter in an effort not to drop it. His eyes were huge on his face and it took a couple of seconds for his voice to work and all he could manage was a husky “No....I...”

“Jay please....just listen...I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry. I....I miss you, I love you...please Jay. Please let me come home? Please baby, please....I know I’ve said it before, and I know I’ve broken my promises before but Jay please...I love you so much, I’m sorry. I know you love me too baby, I know it...and I know it’s been so long, but please, I can’t do this anymore without you. I see that now. I will try harder I swear I will. I won’t leave you again; I can do it this time. I can fight for us, just like you asked. I can stay this time. Please Jay please...I love you so much. I want to come home...”

Everything was forgotten as Jared listen to the pain filled voice come down the line. God he hadn’t heard from him in so long and he sounded so different. He closed his eyes and the pain washed over him like it was only yesterday he had packed his bags for the last time and walked out the door.

 Again.

 Like it was only yesterday that Jared had begged and pleaded for him to stay, just please stay. They could do this he had cried, love was hard and they were supposed to fight for it. It would make it all the more precious and please...just stay this time. Please don’t walk away again.

But he had just looked at Jared with such sadness and a weariness borne from struggling for too long to hold on. He had dropped the bag he had held in his hand and kissed Jared one last time, tasting the tears that had begun to run unchecked down both their faces.

And with a whispered “I love you Jay.” He walked out the door without looking back, leaving Jared so broken he wasn’t sure if he was worth putting back together.

“Jay?”

“No...No...” The response tore from Jared like his heart was being ripped out all over again.

“Jay? Please baby...I shouldn’t have left again; I know that now...please....we can do this right? You told me that, you said we should fight for us and I want to now, I want to.”

Jared squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again, glancing behind him at the man standing tense at the door, watching Jared. He was silent, as he held the phone to his ear and stared at the sad eyes of his boyfriend, who waited to hear if they were over before they had ever really begun and Jared could see the crossroads he was at so clear in his mind.

He could say yes, come home and it would all start again in a vicious cycle of hurt and destruction or he could walk out the door, with this man, who had loved him silently for so long and who had helped put the millions of pieces of Jared back together. A man who would never hurt him like he had been hurt. A man with a love so gentle and strong and a love that Jared had never really known, not like that. A man Jared could love, hell he was already more than halfway there. It wasn’t the deep all consuming passion that had almost destroyed him, but Jared felt every touch go straight to his heart, a touch and a love that shook them both, but not enough to break them. When he made love to Jared, he felt safe and warm and a passion that was different than before, a passion that made him smile, not one that chipped away at his soul.

He smiled shakily as he realised the answer was right there. Standing at the door, staring at him with eyes that were now filled with tears of pain and fear. He took a deep breath and without taking his eyes of the man staring right back he answered quietly.

“No. I’m sorry. But no.”

“Jay....god please...just let me come home. I need to see you, to talk to you, to touch you. I’ve missed you so much, and it’s been so long....please. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry too. I love you, I guess a part of me will always love you but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t go back to the pain. I can’t fight anymore. You were right you know, love isn’t supposed to hurt us like that. It took me so long to get where I am now and I feel good. I feel like it’s gonna be ok, everything will be ok. I...I thought I would die when you left me the last time, I thought I would never love again, like I wasn’t meant to. But I can, I’m alive and I’m not crying anymore. What I felt, I feel, for you it’s so strong, but....it was consuming me babe, and I was losing myself. Everytime we tried to make this work it made us die a little more inside. We hurt each other too much...don’t you see? All we would end up doing is losing ourselves in something that more destructive than anything.”

“But I love you Jay...”

“I know you do. I love you too, I always will. You will always hold a special place in my heart, but in time you will see that I’m right. In time you will meet someone who won’t make you want to run all the time. Baby, you need to stay away now. Don’t come back. It’s not home anymore, you know that. Stay gone. Please, if you love me like you say you do, please, just stay gone. My heart is healing, I’m healing and I found someone who loves me and...I think I might love them too and I feel good, so good and he is good for me and I think I might be good for him. I’m sorry...just please....don’t come home, don’t call anymore. Stay gone, for both our sakes.”

The sound of a hitching breath was all he could hear for a couple of seconds and then in a voice that sounded so broken a whispered “Goodbye Jay”

“Goodbye. I hope you find what you’re looking for, what I found. You deserve it.”

He closed his eyes as he hung up and didn’t open them for several minutes. Finally, he took a breath, a deep cleansing breath and it was like the sun coming out. He turned toward the door and the man who stood there with tears of love and pride glistening in his eyes and a smile so beautiful it took Jared’s breath away. He moved then, over to the door and taking his hand in his, tugged gently until they were both outside never taking his eyes off of him. Silently he closed and locked the door behind him and turned to see his boyfriend standing a couple of feet away; his hand stretched out toward Jared, palm up.

“You ready Jared?”

Jared smiled then, knowing in that instant that everything was going to be ok. He nodded “I’m ready.” And reached out and took his hand in his and together they headed for the truck. No word was spoken for another half an hour and Jared never took his eyes off of him the whole time. Finally, with the city behind them and nothing but open road ahead he turned toward Jared and smiled as he reached out and touched the hand that hovered close to his own.

“You ok?”

Jared’s  eyes brightened and he squeezed the hand that held his and taking a deep breath, said the words that he knew felt so right.

“I love you Jensen.”

Jensen took a shuddering breath and took his eyes off the road long enough to see the honesty and love shining in Jared’s and turning back to the road, he lifted Jared’s hand to his mouth and kissed it gently.

“I know you do baby, I love you too.”

It was going to be ok.







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